


Just Like Us

by xxMad_Donaxx



Category: Dragon Age
Genre: M/M, Magical Alterations, Mpreg
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-06-19
Updated: 2012-06-26
Packaged: 2017-11-08 02:34:09
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 13,530
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/438187
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xxMad_Donaxx/pseuds/xxMad_Donaxx
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Fenris and Anders have sex regularly but they aren't in a relationship until Danarius notices and captures Anders. Anders is found but Danarius has performed rituals that alter him. What evil plans do the Magistar have for Fenris and Anders?</p>
<p>Written for a Kmeme prompt found here:<br/>http://dragonage-kink.livejournal.com/8832.html?thread=35529344#t35529344</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> The time frame for this is about a year before Act 3, before Anders loses it completely. 
> 
> I also feel a warning is necessary but I'm not really sure what to call it. In this first chapter Anders is still pretty out of it. His insides are being changed and rearranged and that's gotta be painful. He's also weak and needs help with some basic human needs. I promise that this will be just about the worst part.

It all started one drunken night at the Hanged Man. One of the few times I was allowed to get drunk. We drowned our mutual sorrows for the man that both of us loved, who had rejected us. Our differences were put aside that night. He rented us a room and we found comfort in each other’s arms. Things went on as usual for a while after that. We fought and argued like that one night never happened.

The second time it happened, I sought him out. I’m not sure why I needed it, him, but I did. I was sure he’d throw me out of that run down mansion he lives in or end my pain permanently. He didn’t do either but led me to the room he stays in. We had sex again that night and I was allowed to sleep there until morning. He showed up at the clinic three days later. I was surprised to say the least. He’d only ever come down to the clinic with Hawke. This time, it was him that needed comfort. So we had sex and he slept there.

It’s been years now since it started. We’ve never spoken about it really. One of us seeks the other out, we have sex and it’s done until one seeks the other out again. Feelings weren’t supposed to happen but they have. On my part at least, he’s just as stoic now as he was then. I’ve never told him. I don’t want to mess up whatever it is we do have.

But it’s all come crashing down anyway. Danarius has come to Kirkwall to retrieve his property. I don’t know how long he’s been here but it’s been long enough that he thinks I’m important to Fenris. It was pathetic, how easily Danarius captured me. He just waited in the shadows of Darktown and put me in a deep sleep. I’ve been drugged and cut off from Justice somehow.

I don’t know how long I’ve been in this cold stone prison but it’s been long enough that he has done something to me. I remember small bits of a ritual. I remember lying on a stone alter, naked and cold, him standing over me chanting. There have been two other rituals that I can vaguely remember. Maybe more, I just don’t know.

All I can do is wait, curled up on the floor of my cell…still naked and shivering. I can do nothing but wonder and worry about what’s been done to me, and hope for rescue soon. I hope he will be with Hawke when they do come. I hope he frees himself from this demented man forever.

I’m thirsty but it’s been a while since anyone’s come here. It’s hard to tell time here in the dark. I wonder if I’ve been forgotten. I can’t be sorry if Danarius has forgotten, though I doubt he has. He won’t be able to see the results of his meddling if I’m dead. I’m sure someone will come…

My head is still stuffed with wool from whatever Danarius’s been feeding me. I don’t notice the commotion at first, only after I can see him. My knight wrapped in Fade light. I try to sit up at least, but I’m too weak. He’s there, at the bars of my cell, and I can barely lift my hand to reach out. Someone’s working on the lock.

“Hold on Blondie,” Varric says. “I’ve almost got it.”

There are more of the people I call friends standing around Varric but I can’t tell who has come. They are staring, horrified I’m sure. I can do nothing to hide my naked body from them, I’m not sure I care. Can they see what he’s done? I never could, but maybe he’s done something else. Taken again and I just don’t remember. I don’t know.

There’s a click, it’s very loud in the heavy silence, and the door is pushed open. Fenris is kneeling in front of me now. Gently lifting, cradling me and I clutch at him like a child. I can’t tell what he’s thinking as he brushes my hair away from my eyes. I feel something heavy draped over me.

There is too much silence from them. His arm around my shoulders and the other under my knees, Fenris lifts me like I weigh nothing. My head rolls back over his arm, too heavy for me to support. He shifts my weight, resting my head on his shoulder near his neck. 

I don’t sound much like myself when I try to speak. My throat is dry, scratchy and my voice hoarse, like I’d been screaming. Maybe I have been. He shushes me but I try again. I want him to know…but all I can manage is one word before my eyes close and I drift off to the Fade, safe at last.

“Love.”

***

I’m still drifting but I’m in a bed now at least, snuggled warmly under blankets. There’s a clear passage of time, sometimes there’s sunlight when I wake and sometimes its firelight. I still have no idea how much has passed though. Sometime’s he’s there, sitting in a chair by my bed. Sometimes it’s Hawke sitting in the chair or Varric.

I still can’t reach Justice. I know he’s there but we’re cut off. Maybe it’s the drugs. Maybe that’s what is keeping me in this fog. I don’t know. All I can do is wait…after all, it’s a little hard to ask the healer for help…when he’s the one who needs it.

More time has passed, there’s sunlight in the room now. I’m awake and more aware than I have been. There’s screaming, bloodcurdling and full of pain. As I take a breath, I realize it’s me that’s screaming. And then I know why such horrific sounds are escaping me. My insides are on fire…twisting and churning from my collarbones to my groin. Oh, Maker, how it hurts…and I scream again.

I curl up on my side, bringing my knees up to my chest, wrapping my arms around my gut. It doesn’t help and another terrifying scream leaves me. Gently I’m being lifted, repositioned so that I’m almost sitting upright. I can hear the clink of jewelry between the sounds of my screams and a soft soothing voice.

Opening my eyes takes effort but I manage. There is dark skin, a familiar skin tight white shirt, nimble fingers gently swiping at the tears on my cheeks. My head rests in her arms and Isabela gently rocks me, like a mother would her child. More twisting and burning, more screaming and she see’s that I’m awake.

“I’m so sorry sweet thing,” she says. There is a desperate sadness in her voice that I’ve never heard before. “There’s nothing we can do. The magic has to finish.”

A tear, but this one is hers, falls to my cheek. I can’t stand the pain. If this is what’s been happening, I’m glad I can’t remember most of it.

Firelight this time, dying firelight, and there is someone sleeping next to me. I turn my head and it’s him. I try to speak, but there is only a pathetic squeak that I’m surprised he hears. His eyes fly open, his beautiful green eyes. I lift my hand and he catches it in one of his own.

“You must not speak,” he says quietly. “You have screamed yourself silent.”

I squeeze his hand weakly and hope he understands. I roll to my side. It will be easier to see him. With his other hand, he tucks my hair behind my ear. My smile turns to a grimace of pain as my insides are lit on fire again. I try not to…but I can’t help it. I’m screaming again but I can’t hear anything. Curling up again and I’m sure I have a death grip on his hand, but he moves closer until our heads touch. It’s not much, a very small thing. But from Fenris…it’s as close to ‘I care’ as he can get.

My head is completely clear the next time I wake. I can feel Justice again and I hope that the pain at least is over. He’s confused but then, so am I. I want to know what’s happened to me and yet…I’m afraid. But I have to know so I work the covers off.

I still don’t have a stitch of clothing on but it’s easier to clean messes this way. I’m sure I’ve made quite a few of them. Looking down the length of my body, there is nothing obvious. The same chest, the same abdomen and even my genitals look the same. It takes a lot of effort but I sit and remain still for a bit. When I’ve rested, I run my hands along what I can reach of my back and shoulders. Still nothing.

There’s no one sitting in the chair at the moment but as I look around the room the door opens. Fenris, carrying a tray, stops just inside. If he is shocked he hides it well. I smile, a small smile, and put my hand to my throat. I remember what he told me about not speaking and he seems to understand my question.

“Yes, you should remain silent. You’re voice will return but you must rest it,” he says, kicking the door shut behind him. He walks forward setting the tray on the night stand. I can see a glass of water and some thin gruel. It’s probably what they’ve been feeding me all along.

After pulling the covers back up over my legs and up to my waist, he sits on the edge of the bed next to me. Close enough to touch but I hesitate. Fenris doesn’t seem to mind my touch anymore…or at least he didn’t.

“The last time I heard such screams,” he says quietly, looking at me. “They were my own.”

I run my finger down the side of my chin, just about where his lyrium markings are. Again, he seems to understand.

“Yes. When the markings were burned into my flesh.” After a moment of silence he speaks again, this time hesitant. “Do…do you know what’s been done?”

My hands find each other in my lap and I shake my head sadly.

Fenris nods, like he expected the answer he received. “Hawke called in some favors and he had Orsino come to look at you. Powerful magic.” The last two words were spoken sarcastically, a rarity for Fenris. “I could have told him that.”

Suddenly I’m very tired and I let myself fall back to the bed. He moves up closer and takes one of my hands. “You should eat first,” he says quietly. He is concerned and I am hopeful. But I’m more tired than hungry so I shake my head no. “Drink at least,” he says, running his thumb lightly over the back of my hand.

There is such emotion on his normally stoic face, and I nod. A smile, just a small smile, and I let myself hope that all is not lost. Maybe there is a chance that I won’t lose something I’ve come to cherish.

A full bladder wakes me sometime later. I’m pretty sure it’s still the same day. I look over and Varric is sitting in the chair now, Bianca leaning against it. He’s reading a book but close enough to touch so I reach out. I rest my hand on his knee and he looks up, a grin spreading quickly.

“Maker’s balls it’s good to see some light in your eyes Blondie,” he says snapping the book shut.

Smiling, I move a hand down to my crotch and with the other point to a full glass of water on the nightstand.

“Ah,” he says his voice oddly flat. “Still need some help, huh?”

I nod, still smiling but a bit embarrassed. It’s not that he has to watch me urinate it’s that I need help with such a basic task. Modesty is a luxury that Circle Mages don’t really get and I’m no different. He helps me sit and has to hold the chamber pot, but looks politely away while I make water and I’m grateful.

After the chamber pot is tucked away again, he helps me to sit with my back resting on the headboard of the bed. With the covers pulled up to my waist, I mostly feed myself the gruel Fenris brought earlier. While I eat, he tells me what happened.

It took them a couple of days to figure out I was missing. They looked all through Kirkwall and most of the Wounded Coast for four more days, not finding a trace. A note had been left at the Hanged Man telling them where to find me. The note was unsigned but I know who left it. Danarius wanted me found and now I’m more worried about what’s been done to me and what it might mean for Fenris.

I hold the mostly empty bowl out and Varric sets it on the nightstand. “Do you know who took you?” Varric asks.

I nod my head yes and mime writing in the air. He is gone for no more than a few minutes, back with a quill, an ink pot and parchment. My writing is shaky but legible. _Danarius. Tell Fenris to be careful._ There was little resistance when they found me. That can only mean he’s still here. Watching and waiting. 

“Well,” says Varric reading my note. “Shit.”


	2. Chapter 2

I’ve been in the Hawke estate for two weeks now but I’ve been awake and aware for only one. They’ve told me I spent most of that week that I was drifting curled up and screaming. It’s no wonder my voice is raspy. Fenris insists that I stay quiet as much as I can, and I try but it’s hard sometimes.

Whatever magic Danarius has used on me has run its course and there’s no pain but it’s left me weak. There is also no visible change. I can stand for a few minutes at a time now and I had Fenris help me look for something…anything…but there is nothing. I look the same now as I did before except for a white streak in my hair, near my left temple. Since I’m pretty sure he doesn’t care what color my hair is, I can only assume it’s a side effect of the trauma my body has been through.

If only I knew what he did…none of them will let me dwell on it though. I’m glad really. Hawke and Varric tell me not to worry, they have people researching. Isabela tells me to just concentrate on getting better, back on my feet. I don’t see much of Merrill but Fenris has told me that she has sort of taken over my clinic. Even though she can’t cast a healing spell, she apparently knows quite a few Dalish folk remedies.

I’ve always been harsh with Merrill but I do like her. I’m grateful my patients still have a healer they can go to. It’s a weight off of my shoulders and I can concentrate on me, getting my strength back. I don’t see much of Aveline either. I’m told she’s searched the cave where I was found inside and out looking for something that might help. She’s found nothing though, Danarius was thorough.

Even Sebastian has sat with me a few times. He looked almost as uncomfortable as I was however. It’s been Fenris though who’s stayed with me the most. He understands in a way the others don’t…the turmoil in my head. I’ve been changed…probably forever…and I don’t even know how. When I took the joining the Warden Commander was there, she told me what to expect. Before I took Justice in…I researched. I felt prepared, confident that it could work and even when it didn’t work like we’d expected he was still there. I wasn’t alone.

And it’s happened again, changed forever but…I don’t know how. The taint was explained, Justice a known factor even when the unknown happened but this…this is different. He didn’t ask me anything, didn’t bother telling me what he was doing…just locked me away, cast his magic and then turned me loose again. He left me to worry and wonder, and its worse that he’s still out there.

Fenris has been my anchor, my comfort. He holds me when it’s too much and I can’t stop the tears. He soothes my frustrations at being barely able to relive myself or even walk the length of my room. I fall asleep every night wrapped in his warm embrace and I feel safe. I’m eager to put this behind me…but I’ll miss simply falling asleep next to him.

***

Another week has passed and I took my first trip out of my room today. Fenris was at my side as I walked on my own to Hawke’s study. He almost looked happier than I was. I sound almost normal too. In all I think I’m almost ready to go back to my clinic…perhaps another week if I push myself.

I want to get back to my patients but I’m not sure I’ll be able to stay there like I did. I know Fenris doesn’t want me too. There’s been no sign of Danarius and it was so simple to capture me last time. Fenris has offered to let me stay in his mansion and Hawke has offered to let me come up through his cellar. 

It’s a touching offer from both of them and I think I’ll accept both. It surprises me how much support and sympathy my friends have given me. I thought Hawke and Varric were the only ones who truly liked me…and Fenris.

I’ve been getting restless and Justice has surprisingly understood my idleness. Being able to see my patients again is only the first step. It will be a while yet before I can help the underground again. I tire easily and going all night traipsing through tunnels just isn’t possible yet. I’m not sure I should try to help. What if I put them in more danger? Until I know what he’s done to me…yes I think that is better. There’s too much at stake for them and I shouldn’t knowingly add to their troubles. I’ll have to think of a different way to help my fellow mages.

Enough time has passed since…my ordeal…that any differences in the way my body worked would have shown. At least I hope they would have. Everything seems to be working like it should. I’ve woke a few times during the last weeks with my cock as stiff as stone. Sometimes at night, when Fenris is pressed against me I can feel his hard length and it makes me hard…the idea that he might still desire me. I haven’t actually rubbed one off though…I’m embarrassed to really.

They still sit with me so it’s a little hard to find a moment alone. I haven’t worked up enough courage to approach Fenris about sex yet either. It’s for the best really…probably too early still. I tire so quickly. Honestly I’m just happy I can think about something as frivolous as sex instead of worrying about everything else.

***

I’ve been pushing myself hard this last week. I leave my room as often as possible. I sit in the kitchen and chat with Bodahn or Orana, whichever of them is there. Sometimes I read in the study or simply wander the halls…anything to get me out of that room.

I’ll be going home with Fenris tomorrow and I’m excited but nervous. I’m excited to be going somewhere that isn’t Hawke’s nice estate. His home is very nice and I’m grateful he’s let me stay but…sometimes it still feels like a prison. I’m happy Fenris wants me with him. Until I’m there though, I’m terrified he’ll change his mind. Terrified he’ll realize how damaged I am.

After all, we still don’t know what Danarius has done. I seem to be fine but there is just no way of knowing. Short of finding him and forcing an answer out of him, that’s not possible either though. The bastard has just disappeared. I know I didn’t dream the whole thing. The small rasp in my voice that hasn’t gone away and the white streak in my hair are proof. I know he’s still here. He wants something from me. He changed me for a reason and until whatever it is actually shows…I know he is watching.

There’s nothing we can do so I try not to dwell on it. Hawke and Varric’s sources haven’t been able to find anything either. It’s a waiting game…too bad I’ve never been a patient man. The only thing Aveline managed to find is my things. I’ll have my staff at least, not that it did me a lot of good last time. I plan on being more careful…I know he’s here and knowledge is power. I won’t be caught unaware like that again.

Its night but I’m too excited to sleep. I’m going home tomorrow. It’s odd to think of anywhere but the clinic as home. I think…where ever Fenris is…that’s home. My feelings for him scare me sometimes. Before…I only thought…but now I’m sure. I love him. I know he cares for me but how deep does it run? It just might kill me to lose him now.

His eyes are open and we are facing each other on the bed. Some of my thoughts must be showing on my face because he looks concerned now. He cups my cheek tenderly…he’s always been gentle with me. Even that first time in the Hanged Man, when we were both drunk and frantic, he was tender and caring…maybe that’s why I sought him out again.

“What troubles you?” he asks softly.

How? How do I tell him how much he means to me now? My voice fails me, so I lean forward instead and press my lips to his…hoping he won’t push me away. He doesn’t push, his hand moves to the back of my neck and he pulls me closer. I close my eyes and feel his tongue brush against my lips so I part them. He deepens the kiss…slow, passionate, and tender. As he pulls away I know that he can’t say what he feels either.

He smiles, that small honest smile, I don’t think anyone else gets to see it. My nervous worry disappears with it. He won’t change his mind…he needs me as badly as I need him. Finally…I’m able to sleep.

***

I’ve taken a couple of days to get used to my new home. We live in the large room he sleeps in. It’s a mess and there are holes in the roof…but I don’t mind. The first day we went to the clinic to gather a few of my things. There’s really only one thing I wanted…my mother’s pillow.

I thank Merrill for taking care of the place and my patients. We agree that she should probably stay for a couple of more weeks…just to make sure. I haven’t tried to use my magic since I was messed with…I’m a little afraid to be perfectly honest. What if that triggers something? It is better that she’s with me, for a little while at least. 

Fenris and I walk home, that’s still strange, and I’m content. He shows me what rooms to avoid and where it’s safe. I probably won’t go much beyond the bedroom and the room that has his very large tub. We spend the rest of the day with each other. The next day Fenris goes with Hawke but he insists that I stay. I only make a token protest…I don’t feel much like running around the Wounded Coast anyway. I spend most of that day in a garden at the back of the mansion. Fenris has let it run riot but I think it’s beautiful. There are flowers of every color, a few nice shade trees and bushes that have grown taller than I am and so thick that sunlight barely passes through. Ivy climbs up the mansion and rose bushes are in full bloom along the back of the house. I think I might spend a fair amount of time out here as well.

Today has been my first day back to the clinic and I’m tired but happy as I climb the last set of stairs. Nothing happened when I used my magic today. I can still help people, still heal…and that’s something to be grateful for. It’s a bit of normal, a way to let the mess inside my mind go for a little while.

Fenris is home when I enter, he’s been pacing. He looks relieved as hurries to me, but he hesitates. So I embrace him. I can feel the tension drain from him and I wonder how long he’s been pacing here. I tell him of my day as we eat a simple supper. He tells me of his as we snuggle together on the bed. It’s all very…domestic. I realize there’s one thing that’s been missing though.

“Fenris,” I say quietly. He hmm’s and looks at me. “Take me…” Suddenly I’m nervous. I don’t know why, we’ve been having sex for years.

“You’re certain you can handle such activity?” he says. The worry is touching but unnecessary.

I lie back on the bed and pull him down on top of me. “I’m certain,” I say touching his cheek lightly. “I want you.” I put my hand on his neck and pull him down for a kiss. We’re both panting when we part. “I need you to fill me.” Another kiss, brief but sweet, and he pulls away. “Please…”

He smiles and his shirt is on the floor. My shirt soon joins his and his hands are sliding across my skin. His lips on my neck, my hands in his hair and he’s rutting gently against me. I moan in pleasure and realize that I’ve missed this. He loosens the laces of my pants and I lift my hips as he pulls them off. I’m impatient for more as he stretches me open but he refuses to hurry.

I’m a panting mess when he finally pushes inside. His long, slow strokes, gentle and teasing at the same time, his lips on mine, my hands clutching his arms as he strokes me in time with his thrusts. I cry out his name as my seed leaves me. My name is on his lips as he spends himself inside me. He cleans my chest and stomach and we curl up together under the blankets, happy and sated.

Fenris sleeps almost immediately but I linger in wakefulness. For the first time in my life it was more than ‘just sex’. I think…for the first time…I’ve ‘made love’ with the person I care about more than myself. It’s a wonderful feeling.


	3. Chapter 3

It’s been three months now since I moved in with Fenris. Things are pretty much back to normal. I heal at the clinic and go adventuring with Hawke. I can’t forget though. Fenris and I watch for him constantly. I’m sure we appear more than a little paranoid but…I don’t care. He hasn’t been found and we still haven’t figured out what he’s done.

I help the underground by organizing escape routes. I approach ship captains and caravans, pay them to take the mages away from here. Fenris knows I help them and I know he doesn’t approve but he doesn’t try to stop me. We don’t really speak about this subject. It’s all been said before. I don’t know what changed his mind about me and I don’t care…I’m just glad he has.

I’ve noticed a few odd things over the last couple of months. I can’t seem to get full. It’s not my extra large Gray Warden apatite either, that hasn’t changed in years. What if it’s supposed to change though? I’m certainly not an expert on what happens to aging Wardens. There’s the calling of course but I don’t think I’m anywhere near mine. I’m not too interested in finding an old Warden to ask about this however.

Sometimes if I try to eat before lunch it comes right back up. It’s sort of frustrating being hungry and sick to your stomach at the same time. Maybe it’s something that doesn’t agree with me and I just haven’t figured out what it is. The getting sick part is bothersome but it doesn’t happen all the time. I’ll start paying attention to what I’m eating at night. Maybe figure out what’s causing it and just stop eating it.

There is something though…my chest is tender and my nipples are very sensitive. Some days the rough linen of my shirt drives me to distraction. Today is one of the bad days. I’m feeling a little sick to my stomach and I’ve taken my coat off. I’m seriously thinking about taking my shirt off as well…it’s driving me crazy.

It’s been pretty slow at the clinic lately and I’ve decided to stay home today. Maybe I can figure out just what’s wrong with me. My hunger and getting sick to my stomach can be explained but…I can’t think of a possible explanation for my chest aching. Or why I can feel every fiber rubbing against my nipples so suddenly.

I take my shirt off then head for the garden. Lying among the flowers, under one of the trees with my hands laced behind my head and my legs crossed at the ankle, I let my mind wander. I’m a healer and a damn good one…I know I can figure this out. Separately the symptoms don’t make a whole lot of sense. There are possible answers for two of them but the third…well the only thing I can think of is sore muscles. But I haven’t been doing anything strenuous or out of the ordinary so there would be no reason to be sore in the first place. If I were a woman…

Oh…oh no…no It can’t…that’s…impossible! Is that what he did? I think back to the burning pain during that first week, the twisting and churning in my gut. My stomach lurches suddenly and I roll over quickly and retch onto the grass. I sit up and wipe my mouth. Can I…am I…pregnant?

It all makes a twisted sort of sense though. The hunger, the sick, the aching…even my sensitive nipples, it all adds up to pregnant. If you ignore the small fact that men can’t get pregnant. Is this what Danarius’ rituals have done? Given me a womb?

There is a spell I learned in the tower. A spell that’s taught to all the healers who worked in the infirmary, and I was there quite often. I haven’t had much use for it lately but it can show me if there is another life growing inside. I have to know, so I close my eyes and put my hands on my stomach and cast the spell. Oh dear Maker there it is. A baby…is growing inside of me.

I…think I’ll go lie down. I’ll clean up the mess later. I feel numb as I go back inside and climb the stairs. I lie in the bed, on my side, my arms wrapped around my middle and my knees pulled up. I don’t know how long I lay there. I can’t sleep. One question, over and over…why?

That’s how he finds me, staring at nothing in particular sometime later. I can see him pause just inside the doorway. He’s coming over now…concerned. His sword is put next to the bed on the floor and his gauntlets set on the table. Kneeling in front of me now, definitely worried.

Before he can speak…I do. “Fenris…I’m pregnant.” Even my voice is numb.

Shock, of course he’s shocked. I’m shocked. “That’s…” he begins. 

He pauses and I finish his sentence. “Not possible? It is now.”

Fenris reaches out and strokes the white streak in my hair, asking me with his eyes, if this is what Danarius has done. I can only nod. He stands and quickly strips to his leggings and sits on the bed. I scoot closer and rest my head on his thigh. I can’t see him, can’t tell what he’s thinking. One of his hands rests lightly on my shoulder, the other he runs through my loose hair.

He hasn’t said anything. My eyes are filling with tears and I blink, trying not to let them fall. Will he still want me? Is he disgusted? Am I going to be thrown out? The baby is his too but…I’m frightened. I’m desperate to know but he still says nothing.

I swallow, trying to make my voice work. “Fenris?” My voice wavers, fear and uncertainty clear in that one word.

“Shh,” he says quietly. His fingers still work through my hair. “I won’t let him take you from me again.” He squeezes my arm lightly. “You or the child…my child... _our_ child.”

My tears finally start falling. I won’t be alone at least…

***

There’s been much talk in the few days since I discovered…my condition. After he calmed me, we spoke with Hawke and Varric. They were horrified at first. I can’t blame them either. It’s disturbing that he could break the laws of nature so completely and so casually. Both of them have agreed to help any way they can however and I am grateful.

Fenris has insisted that my activities with the mage underground must stop immediately. As much as it pains me…I’ve agreed. It’s not just my life at risk anymore after all. Justice doesn’t approve of my decision. Meredith’s rules and sanctions are becoming more harsh and underhanded. She’s losing what little she had left of her mind. I truly hate to leave my fellow mages under that woman’s thumb but if this child is to have any chance at life I have to be careful. Very careful…I don’t think there’s a Templar in this city that wouldn’t put me to the sword now. I don’t like it, Justice doesn’t approve but I think I’ve managed to convince him that I can’t help anyone if I’m dead.

We’ve also decided that we shouldn’t stay at the mansion for too much longer. There are too many things here, too many unknown factors that might harm the baby. Like the bodies that refuse to rot. I’m glad I’ve stayed mostly in our room or the garden. Hawke has offered to let us stay in his estate. We told him that we would think on it but I think we’ll accept his offer…for now at least. Just to get me out of the mansion.

I thought about going back to my clinic but Fenris has refused. He said that it’s not safe, that it was too easy for Danarius to snatch me away before. It makes sense…as the baby grows my ability to defend myself effectively will probably decrease. I have my magic, I’ll never be defenseless, but I won’t be able to move quickly if they get close. It’s best to avoid danger where we can.

For now, until I start showing…or can’t hide it anymore, we think it’s best if we act normal. I will still tend my patients at the clinic, Fenris will still run around saving Kirkwall one task at a time with Hawke, we’ll still go to the Hanged Man for drinks and cards with our friends and I’m rather glad it won’t be odd that I don’t drink alcohol.

What will happen when I do start showing? I’ll almost definitely have to go back to wearing more traditional robes…eventually. It’s a little hard to pretend there’s nothing wrong…nothing different. I think about it constantly…along with all the things that I know can go wrong. It scares me but…a child…my child… _our baby_ …I can’t help but be a little excited.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's a bit of my head cannon in this part on why Grey Wardens eat so much. The end of this part might also be a little uncomfortable for some of you. Its mostly necessary anatomical changes explained but I won't feel bad if you need to skip it.

It’s been two weeks since we moved into Hawke’s estate. I’ve been trying to figure out how far along I am and I think...around three months. It’s a little hard to fathom that the very first night Fenris and I made love after…my capture…could be when it happened. It probably isn’t…we had a lot of sex those first two weeks in the mansion.

I suppose it doesn’t particularly matter exactly when it happened. It just surprises me how quickly it did happen. Ignoring the fact that it shouldn’t have been possible at all of course, I’m a Grey Warden and Grey Warden parents are _very_ few and _very_ far between. I also worry that the taint I carry will be passed on to the baby. Fenris has told me not to worry about it. He’s positive that Danarius would have taken that into account when he came up with…whatever his crazy plan is. I hope he’s right.

I’m sort of glad we moved in with Hawke. It means I have access to a full pantry. Dear Maker that’s been a blessing. Grey Wardens have a massive apatite because the taint speeds up your metabolism so you burn up half of what you eat before it does you any good. I’ve been so hungry lately because the baby has had to fight with that to get the nutrition it needs to grow. I just hope that by the time this is over I don’t end up eating Hawke into the poor house. But it’s nice not to be constantly hungry. I’m also very happy that what I eat is staying put. It’s been a week since I last threw up and I’m hopeful that the morning sickness is done.

I’ve spent most of my time these last two weeks either in my clinic or at Hawke’s estate. I do go with Fenris to the Hanged Man but I won’t go without him anymore. I know that’s not really keeping up with the ‘normal’ we decided on but…I tried once. I didn’t even make it to the market before running back in a panic. It felt like Danarius might pop up out of the ground like a Genlock and take me away…I know it’s paranoid but…I can’t help it.

I’ve never really considered myself a coward, though I’ve been called one many times, but I just don’t want to face him alone. He frightens me…his sheer disregard for the natural order. The simple fact that it was most likely a Blood Magic ritual that…no…no I won’t think of this.

The others are going to have to be told…and soon. Isabela is already trying to get Varric to tell her why Hawke won’t take me with him anymore. Simple answer that, Fenris asked him not to. It irritates me a little but I know Fenris means well. A day out with Hawke is always filled with danger. He’s been very protective since I was captured but it’s gotten worse now that we know about the baby.

We actually had an argument on that subject after I’d found out. After spending a few hours in my clinic I realized it’s not because he doubts my abilities like I’d thought at first, it’s that there are too many unknown factors. Fenris spent years guarding Danarius, a very powerful mage, and I think he’s been guarding me unconsciously for years. Now that I’m a little more venerable those instincts he honed with Danarius have come to the surface full force. I still find it irritating but I understand. I haven’t gotten the chance to tell him this though.

I haven’t seen much of Fenris for the last week. He leaves fairly early, sometimes with Hawke but not always, and comes back late. I think he’s looking for Danarius, not avoiding me on purpose. I also think it’s a waste of time. There are far too many places to hide in and around Kirkwall. I’ve spent years spiriting mages away from the Gallows. Sometimes we have to hide them before we can get them out of the Free Marches. If he doesn’t want to be found, he isn’t going to be.

Fenris is gone today but not with Hawke. I’ve asked Hawke to come with me to the Hanged Man. I want to speak with Varric and probably Isabela too about what I can do to catch his attention. Fenris is wearing himself out with an impossible mission. I need to tell him…that I understand and I’m sorry. I’m worried about him…but most of all…I miss him.

***

It was such a simple plan they came up with. I fix him breakfast in bed, all his favorites, a nice apology when the dishes are cleared away and then lots of steamy make up sex. Andraste’s flaming knickers did it ever work like a charm. It took me nearly a week to gather the things I needed. I had to get up pretty damn early too. I drank two full glasses of water before I went to bed to make sure I was up before he was.

Orana helped me with the cooking since I’m really not much of a cook. He was suitably impressed though. After the dishes were set outside our door, Fenris sat me in his lap and asked what was wrong. I apologized for my harsh words and pleaded with him not to wear himself out. I told him how lonely I’ve been, how much I appreciate his concern…how much I need him. I was near tears before the end of my little speech. I’ve been so emotional lately.

After he apologized for being neglectful and promised to spend more time at home, he also said that he wouldn’t give up the search completely. I had a nice crying fit. But when my tears were kissed away and some of my worries drowned in his embrace…Holy Maker the sex was amazing. We didn’t leave our room until that afternoon when hunger drove us to the kitchen.

I didn’t tell him everything I’m worried about, just the really important things for now. I’ve realized that we’re going to need someone who’s experienced in delivering children…but who can also be trusted. If this had happened to Hawke they’d ask me to take care of it since I’m the healer of this merry band of misfits. But who’s going to deliver my baby?

I’ve delivered many babies, some at the tower but most here in Kirkwall. I know the deadly things that can go wrong during a normal birth. This birth is going to be far from normal. When I think of just where the baby will be exiting my body from…ugh…it makes me shudder. We definitely need to find someone knowledgeable who can be trusted, someone who isn’t just going to stick a knife in me for being a freak.

I should talk to Fenris about this…and soon.

***

Nothing very exciting has happened in the past couple of weeks. We’ve told the rest of our friends and Merrill has an idea on who we should ask to deliver the baby. She’s suggested we go ask her clan. Neither Fenris nor I are very thrilled with this idea but it’s the best we’ve been able to come up with. Dalish aren’t known for their hospitality. I got dirty looks from them every time Hawke dragged me out there and they loath Fenris for some reason. Keeper Marethari has always been kind though.

Hawke suggested sneaking Bethany out of the Gallows but there’s a whole host of problems with that one. She helped out in my clinic a lot but…she just doesn’t have the experience I’d prefer. Don’t get me wrong, Bethany’s a sweet girl. There is also the rather large problem that she is watched almost constantly. She _is_ the Champion’s sister after all.

Our only other option is to search for a midwife here in Kirkwall. Maybe I’m just being difficult but the thought of a complete stranger…well, that didn’t turn out too well last time did it. Okay so I am being difficult. The Dalish may not like me but they’re an honorable people. I know the Keeper is kind and…Maker I’m rambling like Merrill. Hawke is going to take Fenris and me to Sundermount next week to speak with the Keeper about it. To say that I’m a little nervous is an understatement but it’ll be nice to get out of Kirkwall for a while. 

I’ve discovered something both exciting and frightening this morning. Fenris still gets up early or maybe I just get up late…I’ve been sort of tired lately. Anyway, he was gone when I got up. I don’t usually wear anything when I sleep and when I kicked the blankets off this morning I noticed that I’m starting to show. It’s still just a small bump really and if I weren’t so thin it wouldn’t be noticeable at all. 

You can’t tell at all when I’m dressed but that will change…and soon. I seriously need to think about finding some robes that will fit when the baby gets bigger. That might be challenging. It also means that I’ll have to disappear soon. The refugees have protected me over the years but this is more than being dragged to the Gallows. I can’t depend on their silence with this. I’ll be a virtual prisoner in the estate…and that bothers me. I know it’s for the best. There won’t be a plausible explanation or any way to hide the fact that it’s a child and not just weight gain.

Despite the risks and my fears I think I’m more excited than anything. I’ll be able to feel the baby moving soon.

***

The trip to Sundermount was a pleasant change of scenery. Hawke brought Merrill, Aveline and Varric as well as Fenris and me. I told them I’m not completely useless in a fight but Fenris made me promise to stay out of any battles that did occur. I only did because I know they’re just worried but they’re overreacting. I’m not made of glass. That little bit of irritation aside the hike to the Dalish camp was enjoyable.

The Keeper was surprisingly understanding, not much love between the Dalish and Tevinter apparently...maybe that’s why the rest of them don’t like Fenris. She’s technically not the healer of her clan but she knows much. Keeper Marethari has insisted that if we agree to let them deliver the baby the clan healer must be the one that does it. Fenris and I spoke and we agree that this is our best option all though neither of us likes it much. I made the Keeper promise to stay with me the whole time before we agreed though. 

I also went through my first examination…Maker it was awkward. Healers aren’t always the best patients but I did my best. I didn’t mind the poking and prodding, I knew what the clan healer was doing after all. It was when she insisted on…feeling around inside…that I got really nervous. Her touch was completely clinical and she spouted the same soothing nonsense that I do but…I just couldn’t relax.

It was Fenris that calmed me enough to relax and let her in. He held my hand and one of my legs up. He told me to close my eyes and concentrate on his voice, so I did. It’s all right Anders, she needs to know how you’ve been changed, think of the baby, I love you Anders, and I’ll protect you both. He’s never told me that before. I could only squeeze his hand. 

I was still very glad when she finished though. She told me that Danarius knew what he was doing, after I’d gotten dressed again. The womb sits about as far up as it would on a woman. She said there was a slick substance coating it that probably protects from everything that normally goes out of that particular entrance. She also told me that my hips were almost certainly changed. I can’t help but be impressed.

The clan healer, I can’t remember her name, agrees that I’m around four months now. She wants me here in camp about a month before I’m due to give birth. I won’t have to come back until then however, because I’m a healer. I know the warning signs and if there are any I’m supposed to send for her and the Keeper right away. I’m hoping that won’t be necessary. 

We spent the night there. Finally alone in our tent, with him buried balls deep inside…I told him. I remember trying to say it when he first found me but I can’t remember if I’ve said it since. I said it over and over…I love you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It has been brought to my attention (rather rudely I might add) that I've been spelling Danarius wrong. I've gone back and fixed it in the previous chapters. Nothing else has been added or changed. Let me know if I missed one. =)


	5. Chapter 5

Isabela and I have spent part of the last week looking through shops for robes. We’ve found five that will work but they’re going to need some alterations otherwise I might as well be wearing a sack. If I didn’t know any better I’d say these were made for Kossith. Isabela got a good deal on them though and I didn’t have to spend very much coin.

It’s a lot more noticeable now, if you know what you’re looking for. Isabela certainly noticed. She’s very handsy too. Every day she’s come to the estate since she noticed my small belly she pats it and asks me if I can feel the baby yet. She seems almost more excited about feeling the baby kick than I am.

Fenris has noticed too. At night when were both in bed, sometimes he’ll just rest his hand there. Almost like he’s waiting…or trying to connect with the baby in some way. I think it’s sort of sweet. He’s also been trying to get me to stay here ever since. I think, even though my coat covers it pretty well still, that I’ll give in and stay here. I know he worries.

Varric is going to spread some rumors explaining my disappearance. I don’t like the thought of being trapped here. The others have already made promises to visit often and there’s the library but…I’ll be losing my freedom. I know it’s for the best…but I’ve yet to come to terms with it. Maybe…I’ll speak to Fenris about it. If anyone can understand what I’m feeling…it’ll be him.

***

I’m stuck at Hawke’s estate now. Anders has officially disappeared. I’m already going crazy and it’s only been a couple of weeks. Luckily Hawke has a very nice garden that’s walled off. When I feel like the walls are closing in on me I go out there and it helps. Just knowing that I can go sit in the sunshine whenever I need to makes it seem less like a prison.

Fenris helps a lot too. He brings me things sometimes, things from out there where I can’t go anymore. He brought me a jar of sand from the Wounded Coast the other day. I was a bit confused when he handed it to me but then he smiled and said, “Be glad that isn’t in your boots.” Oh how I laughed. I put it on the nightstand…and sometimes I’ll look at it and start laughing again.

I think I felt the baby the other day. I sat still for an hour hoping it would happen again but it hasn’t. It was too light for anyone else to feel…just a flutter. It gave me the most indescribable joy to know that the baby is alive. I hope I can feel it again soon.

Not going to the clinic has given me lots of idle time. I’ve spent most of it these last weeks with Merrill and Orana, making the alterations to the robes. We’ve gotten three of them finished and it’s a good thing too. My small clothes don’t fit at all anymore and I can just barely lace my pants shut. I never thought I’d need to switch to robes so soon but there just isn’t any extra room in my normal clothes.

I’m satisfied with the way the altered robes fit. We moved the waist up to about a hand width below my armpits and still had to take up the hem so they didn’t drag on the ground. The robes fit well above the new waist and there will be plenty of room when I really start getting big. The overall look of them is a bit…girly however. I suppose that was inevitable though. Being pregnant is generally a girl thing. I’m not really looking forward to the teasing I just know I’ll be getting. Isabela for certain is going to have a merry old time poking fun at me. That makes me sort of wonder what Ogrhen would say if he saw me wearing one of these robes. He teased enough about the normal robes I wore back then. I’ll just have deal with it I suppose. It was so much easier before Justice though.

Speaking of Justice, he’s been really quiet lately. I know he’s still there, I can feel him but…it’s not quite the same as before Danarius captured me. I don’t know if he’s just appalled at what’s been done or sulking but he hasn’t been pushing me about helping my fellow mages. Not that I’d be much help now anyway. Could it be he’s actually being reasonable? I’ll have to think about this. It might be important.

***

I’ve given up on my normal clothing. My shirts still fit for now but my small clothes and pants don’t fit at all. There’s just no room so I’ve stopped wearing them in favor of the robes. It’s been strange wearing robes again. Odd yet familiar at the same time and it’s taken me nearly a week to get used to it. Maybe it’s all the extra material in the skirts. At least there’s plenty of room for the baby. 

After we finish altering the last set of robes I plan to spend some time in the library. I don’t think I’ll find anything about spirit possession that I didn’t know before but I’m going to look anyway. I’ve asked Hawke to search for books about this. He said that he’d get Varric’s help. I hope they can find something. I can’t possibly be the first to attempt this sort of thing but what I’m looking for is rather specific. 

I want to know what happens to the spirit when a woman is pregnant. I’ll grant you my situation is different but Justice is definitely more subdued. I’m not really worried he’ll be transferred to the baby somehow but he is a part of me so he’s probably had some sort of effect. I want to find out what that might be and why he’s not the same. I realize the odds of actually finding out anything are pretty long but I have to try. 

I can’t help but wonder if Justice isn’t the reason Danarius chose me and not Fenris. Is this child guaranteed to be a mage simply because I harbor a spirit? Maybe I was chosen because of the lyrium embedded in Fenris. I’ve never told him this…but it’s not just in the markings. I tasted it the first time I swallowed his seed years ago. After that I started examining him with my magic, slyly of course. The lyrium is everywhere inside him. I’ve done my best to contain it to just the markings but damage was already done from the years between, when he wasn’t around a mage.

Lyrium in his seed…oh…dear Maker…this poor child. I think I need to lie down for a while.

He’s come home while I’m in our room…trying to calm myself down. I tell him everything. Justice, the lyrium, my spells that keep most of it contained. I sit on the end of the bed, words pouring out, trying not to cry. It doesn’t seem to take much to bring me to tears anymore. Fenris kneels on the floor, between my legs, his hands resting on my belly and listens calmly. 

He nods when I finally finish. I can’t hold back the tears any more as I speak again. “What have we done?”

“We have done nothing,” he says looking up at me. “How long has he been watching?” Now he’s getting angry. “How inconvenient for him that we are both men.”

“He certainly fixed that,” I say between sobs.

I feel one of his hands on my cheek, wiping my tears. The other is still resting on my belly. “Calm yourself. He will have known this. I won’t let Danarius have the child.”

We sit like that for mere moments and I feel the baby, pushing a little hand or foot against me…just for a second. Fenris smiles looking up at me, “You see,” he says. “The baby is fine.”

I swipe at my other cheek, and take his hand in mine. I nod and try to smile. We just sit like that for a while. Hoping it will happen again.

***

I try not to think about what we’ve discovered. It sends me into depression but I can’t help but wonder what sort of a child we have made. A child that _he_ made possible. I hate him. I don’t care about what he’s done to me anymore. He will _not_ get his filthy hands on my baby.

***

I’ve spent the last two weeks in the library. Hawke brought me a few books but I’ve found nothing like I expected to. We still have no idea what Danarius could possibly have wanted from our baby. It doesn’t matter much I suppose. Whatever it is, he isn’t going to get it.

I can feel the baby moving all the time now. Sometimes when the baby is restless I’ll go walk around the garden and that seems to calm him…or her. The others are betting on whether it’s a boy or a girl. It’s split down the middle. Aveline, Isabela and Hawke think boy and Varric, Merrill and Sebastian think girl. Fenris and I don’t really care as long as the baby is healthy.

Sebastian has been surprisingly open-minded about this whole situation. It’s no secret that we don’t like each other. He brought some clothes by the other day for the baby. I was curious so I asked him about it. He said, “You didn’t ask for this. I’ll not harm an innocent for another’s folly.” It was touching and I got a bit weepy. I hope that goes away soon. I’m getting a little tired of crying at the drop of a hat.

I’m around six months along now. It’s pretty obvious that I’m pregnant. So far everything’s been normal and I hope it stays that way. The baby is growing and as long as I can feel it moving I’m all right but…Danarius is still out there.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I figured I'd better explain why Isabela is still in Kirkwall since she's supposed to be gone the three years between Act 2 and 3.

Fenris and Aveline have been gathering things over the last week that we’ll need after the baby is born. It’s a little surprising but Aveline volunteered to help. They brought home a bassinet the other day. Seeing all these little things…the clothes, diapers, Hawke found the cutest stuffed bear…it’s made me realize that our lives just won’t be the same. This baby will be completely dependent on Fenris and me…for everything. It’s a little overwhelming.

I’ve found out Aveline’s also been helping Fenris search for Danarius. Each of her guards have a description and standing instructions to find a Templar if he is spotted. Varric has been helping in the search as well. No one has found him though. It’s like he’s just disappeared…and it frightens me. I know he’ll be back for the baby at some point. He might want me as well…or maybe he has someone who can feed the baby already. It’s the waiting…I hate the waiting and wondering when.

I’m positive now that the baby will be a mage. I have no proof of course, just my instincts. What else could he have wanted though? Justice, the lyrium…if he just wanted a bodyguard he could have taken Fenris back. Why go through all this if not for a powerful mage he has complete control over?

That also means we probably won’t be able to stay in Kirkwall. I have mixed feelings on that but if the baby is a mage we can’t risk Meredith getting him or her either. She’s completely mad and I shudder to think of what she might do. I also don’t want my child raised here…around whatever it is that makes so many turn to Blood Magic. I haven’t spoken to Fenris about any of this. I’m not sure how he’ll react to the possibility of a mage child. Surely he knows…I should speak with him soon about this.

***

It’s taken me a week to gather my courage…but I’ve told Fenris about my hunch. This has always been a touchy subject between us. I understand his hatred of mages now...but I thought surely he won’t feel that way about his own child. I’m glad I was right.

We were in bed, I can’t sleep on my back anymore, and he was behind me. There was almost no space between us and I spoke quietly, told him my thoughts. He didn’t say anything for the longest time but his hand…rubbing my belly…soothed me. When he did speak, I barely heard him. Just two words followed by a kiss to the back of my head. “I know.” We haven’t spoken of it since but I think he struggles with it. I know he wants the baby and I know he loves me. We can raise the child properly…without the pain we have both suffered.

***

I spent many days these last two weeks with Isabela. She’s been an unexpected source of entertainment during the long days of boredom…even though she’s calling me ‘Mama’. I don’t mind too much, the twinkle in her eyes is much better than the tears I remember. I don’t really mind much of her teasing. It’s interesting to see what she’ll say about my ‘dress’ or how my belly gets in the way of everything now. 

She still greets me stomach first, patting my belly and often saying hello. She brings me Kirkwall’s gossip, telling me what she’s heard or seen. Not the most noble thing but when you’re stuck in one place it keeps the days from running together.

Isabela is more comfortable with this than I thought she’d be. She’s never seemed like she was interested in children…or family. After that mess with the Qunari and she stormed off we were all surprised when she came back after only about a week. I’m glad she did though. Her presence was a source of joy for Hawke as he recovered from his wounds. Perhaps it’s his influence…he’s changed all of us in subtle ways.

My back hurts constantly now and I often wake in the middle of the night with a full bladder. Every time I have to urinate I’m reminded of why this is unnatural. I have to hunch over to even reach it, I seem to be carrying the baby low, and that makes the baby irritable. My large belly has made sex interesting. I can’t lie on my back for very long, it’s hard for me to stay on my hands and knees long enough so that leaves me on my side. I don’t mind that position but…I like to see him, to see the faces he makes.

I don’t really walk anymore either, I waddle. I can’t wear my boots anymore because my feet have been swelling. I’m not looking forward to walking up Sundermount in slippers. In general…I’m miserable. And there’s still about a month and a half to go.

***

Fenris and I have been suggesting names this last week. We haven’t really agreed on anything yet. Since Fenris doesn’t remember his birth name we’ve decided to give the baby my last name. I’m not sure anyone even knows it but me.

I’m starting to get nervous now…about giving birth. I’ll be glad to hold the baby in my arms but I can’t help but think of all the things that can go wrong. I try not to dwell on it though…stress might make the baby come early. Everyone visits a lot so they help to keep me distracted. 

Thinking of giving birth has made me curious about actually feeding the baby. I wonder what it will feel like. I know that I’ll be able to feed the baby. I’ve been looking at myself in the mirror and my chest is slightly larger than it was before…it’s perfectly normal and it doesn’t look odd. There’s also something else that I’ve noticed. After Danarius first captured me, Fenris and I were very thorough looking for some sort of physical change. We know now that you couldn’t see most of the changes but there is one we missed that you can see. My nipples are larger. It’s very subtle…no wonder we missed it really. They are also a lot more sensitive than they were before. Nothing like the first three months though.

We’ll be leaving for Sundermount next week. I’ve been picking out things to take with for the baby and have a pack ready. I’ve been having a few contractions here and there. I’m not looking forward to the walk…I’ll need to rest frequently. I don’t think my hips can take that long walk without a few breaks. I am looking forward to this being over…to see my baby…but I’m more nervous now than excited. I just want it done.

Fenris has been almost frantic lately. He still hasn’t been able to locate Danarius. That’s what worries me the most.

***

The walk up to the Dalish camp wasn’t as bad as I figured it would be. I was wearing a cloak with the hood pulled up and we still left in the middle of the night. They all came with…all my friends. The journey was blessedly bandit and spider free but I still had to sit and rest every so often.

The Keeper has a tent set up for us away from their camp. I’m not sure if it’s for privacy or if the rest of the Dalish were uncomfortable with the idea of Fenris and me spending so much time in their camp. We are close enough to the camp though that I can call for help if needed.

The others spent most of the day with us. One of them will check on us every few days. Fenris is going to stay here with me and I’m glad. I don’t want to be alone. I’m excited, nervous, eager…and more than a little frightened.


	7. Chapter 7

It’s only been a little over a week but I’m in labor. The contractions are only about five minutes apart and my water broke about an hour ago. Fenris has been walking with me but I just can’t do it anymore. It hurts…I knew it would…but it’s nothing compared to the pain that first week after my capture. They’ve propped me up in a sort of sitting position in my tent for now. The clan healer has told me to rest but I don’t know if I can.

They are on their way, our friends. Fenris holds my hand and I can’t help but squeeze with every contraction. He wipes the sweat from my brow and says encouraging things. I’m glad he’s here with me.

***

Three minutes apart now. Fenris is with me…the baby is coming…our friends outside waiting. Soon….soon…

***

So close…constant pains…need to push. Hawke outside yelling…a battle cry, on my back now and Fenris stands. I clutch at him, half panicked.

He crouches, kisses my hand and says, “I’ll be back.”

Out of the tent now and I can hear the sounds of battle. No time to wonder…must push…The Keeper at my side encouraging. She’s calm, pushing my damp hair away from my eyes. Another…eyes closed tightly…pushing…

“Almost there,” the healer says. “You’re doing fine.”

The sound of steel ringing in my ears, I can hear Bianca…familiar…disturbing…what’s going on? I whimper…must push…surely its close. Isabela cursing, Aveline taunting, Sebastian commending their souls to the Maker…I can feel myself stretching…must push…baby’s crowning.

The clan healer encouraging…the Keeper encouraging…outside Fenris roaring…Merrill cries out in pain…just once more…

“A boy,” the clan healer says and I sigh in relief.

She ties a string tightly around the cord and he’s crying…a beautiful sound. The cord is cut and he’s placed in my arms. A battle still rages outside and he takes in a breath and wails again as the Keeper helps me sit up a little. Keeper Marethari gives me a blanket and I wrap him up…he’s only a little smaller than most newborns. One more small push and I’m done, the part that has connected us gone from my body.

“I must see what is happening outside,” the Keeper says patting my shoulder and I nod tiredly.

I want to know what is going on outside but I am exhausted. I couldn’t help if I wanted to. The healer, still between my legs, finishes her work and I feel a healing spell. Most of my attention is on the baby…his eyes are open now, his cries less insistent as I rock gently. It is too dim to see what color his eyes are…I wonder what time it is.

Fenris hasn’t come back and battle rages on…I begin to worry as the healer pats my knee and pulls my skirts down. She stands…a soft ripping sound behind me…surprise on her face as she falls suddenly. I twist around to see…it’s him. Danarius smirks down at me and I hold my baby close as I gaze up at him. I can’t fight back…I’m trying to form a spell but I’m too tired and it slips away. I can’t reach my staff…vulnerable.

“You live if you come quietly. Fight me and you die,” he says quietly.

I can only nod…if I am alive there is hope.

“Up.”

I struggle to my feet…so tired…and he tries to touch my baby. I turn away from him and the baby is crying again. Danarius frowns, gripping my shoulder and pushes me out the back of my tent. Night has fallen but the moon is full and high. I can only walk slowly…sore, no shoes…and he is frustrated. He skirts the battle, guiding me into the forest.

There…a flash of ginger…”Aveline!!!!” I yell as loudly as I can.

“Anders!” Her voice sounds close and she comes into view moments after my yell.

Danarius must meet her threat and I wrench my shoulder out of his grasp. I hear his growl of frustration. The baby is crying and I move away from them and into the forest as quickly as I’m able. The battle sounds distant when I can’t move anymore and I sink to my knees beside a bush. I hold him close but still he cries. I coo and rock him gently, patting his back but he is unhappy…maybe…

Carefully I unbutton the top of my robes, the only one with the buttons in front, and pull my arm out of the sleeve. I reverse him in my arms and his cries stop as he feeds. We are too exposed here…I crawl on my knees around to the other side of the bush. I can only listen and wait. Sitting on my feet and hope I can keep him quiet. 

The distant battle grows silent as I watch my baby and listen. I can hear people calling my name now but I dare not answer…he might still be out there. The baby lets go, he’s fussing and I move him. His head is resting on my chest just below my shoulder, my hand supporting him and I rub his back. I look around me and listen.

He burps, I use the blanket to wipe his mouth and he’s quiet…sleeping…I can feel him breathing. I hear my name called…accented, close…and I look in that direction. Moonlight reflects off white armor through the trees.

“Sebastian!” I call just loud enough to catch his attention and he turns to me.

Silently he comes to me, I forget that he’s a rogue sometimes, and puts a finger to his lips. He holds his bow, an arrow ready and crouches next to me. Sebastian’s eyes linger on the baby for a moment. At his little hand fisted next to his cheek…his skin is darker than mine…and at the blonde hair that covers his head, the only parts of him not covered by the blanket.

“I’m glad to see you both well,” Sebastian whispers smiling.

“Where’s Fenris?” I whisper as well.

“Out here somewhere. Can you walk?”

I nod…I’m still so very tired. Sebastian stands, looking around while I struggle to my feet. The baby stirs but he sleeps on. I follow Sebastian, he moves slowly and for that I’m grateful. The others are still calling but I stay silent. Sebastian’s caution tells me that Danarius is still out here somewhere.

There is a flurry of activity ahead of us and I hear Fenris but I can’t understand him. Sebastian slows and guides me to a large rock. He motions and I sink to my knees behind it, leaning on it. The baby is still asleep but I move him carefully, his head resting in the crook of my arm. I listen and hold him close. I can hear Fenris and Hawke, then Isabela darts by us, Aveline crashing through the brush. 

Sebastian stays near me, bow ready, watching the battle I can’t see. He starts loosing arrows, a shade comes around the side of the rock and I shuffle backwards on my knees. I cover the baby as best as I can. Sebastian turns and calmly fires another arrow. I watch three bolts hit its side, Varric calmly takes aim again. Merrill walking grimly beside him launches an ice spell, another arrow, another bolt and it lets out a twisted scream before falling to dust.

It startles him and he cries. Sebastian turns back to the battle behind me. Varric and Merrill stand on the other side of the rock. I rock him gently…tell him it’s all right…and behind me I hear Fenris very clearly.

“Never!”

Everything grows quiet after a moment but he is still crying. It’s loud in the sudden silence.

Varric says, “It’s over.”

Sebastian steps back, away from me and I can hear someone, Fenris probably, running. I half turn, the baby is calming now, and Fenris comes around the side of the rock. He stops suddenly but his face is in shadows and I can’t tell what he’s thinking.

I smile and turn so he can see. I move the blanket so that his face is clear in the moonlight. “Our son,” I say quietly. 

He takes a step and falls to his knees beside me, rests his head against mine and says nothing. Fenris takes a shuddering breath and I feel his arm around my shoulders and he turns slightly, reaching out with his other hand. He brushes the back of his finger lightly down our baby’s cheek to his little hand that opens and grasps it while he sleeps. His arm tightens around me and I see that small smile.

“Poor thing…he has your nose,” Fenris says. His voice is husky, filled with emotion. I can’t help but smile. There is light laughter around us. I look up and they are all here, standing around us. 

“What’s his name?” Isabela asks. Her arm is around Hawke’s waist and his around her shoulders. We’ve discussed names but never really agreed. I decide then, that Fenris will choose and I look over at him. He arches an eyebrow and I nod and lean against him.

“Matthias.”

***

We’ve spent three days with the Dalish. We will be leaving shortly but the others left yesterday morning. I don’t feel very sore anymore but I’m bleeding normally like a woman does after giving birth. I wonder if I’ll have monthlies like a woman. It’s a sobering thought…that this might happen again. Only time will tell and until we know for sure, Fenris and I have decided that he won’t be penetrating me anytime soon.

Matthias is normal and healthy. His ears have the slightest point and his eyes are a bit large but he looks mostly human. He does have my nose and his eyes are green. He’s beautiful…but I’m sure most parents think that. I have to feed him every two or three hours…a full night’s sleep is a thing of the past. There is no sign of what else Fenris and me might have given him. I suppose we’ll have to wait and see. I will be watching him closely though.

The only Dalish elf that was hurt in Danarius’ attack was their healer. Keeper Marethari found her shortly after he led me to the woods and healed her. The attack was focused mainly around our tent and their camp was mostly spared. They had to fight some of the shades and demons that Danarius summoned but our group did most of the fighting. I’m glad our friends were here…if not…ah, he’s gone now. That’s the important thing.

***

Matthias is two weeks old now. We’ve been staying with Hawke and I have mostly stayed here because I can’t feed him in public. That would look odd. He’s feeding now as I stand here and watch out the window. There’s something going on in the courtyard that leads to the Keep. Orsino has been talking to a crowd of nobles but Meredith has come. Hawke and Fenris left moments ago to see what’s going on. They’ve been joined by Aveline and Isabela.

Hawke is speaking, he looks angry. Grand Cleric Elthina has come…Orsino is leaving…and so is Meredith. I turn to the balcony as soon as Hawke turns back to home and wait. Matthias is fussing so I sit on the stairs and sit him on my thigh, one hand supporting his head and chest while I rub his back. I hear the door open and they are standing just inside the doorway…watching me.

“What’s going on?” I ask.

“We must leave,” Fenris says climbing the stairs. He sits one step below me. “It’s too dangerous here for you.”

“She’s getting worse isn’t she,” I say and Fenris nods. He pulls off one of his gauntlets and smoothes down the hair on Matthias’ head. I look to Hawke, standing at the bottom of the stairs with Isabela and Aveline behind him. “Promise me you’ll help them.”

“You have my word,” he says grimly.

***

Leaving our friends was hard. I knew it was a possibility though. I hate leaving Kirkwall’s mages under that woman’s thumb. But I know Hawke will help them…he always keeps his word. Justice doesn’t like it either but I think he knows where my priorities are…I still want to free mages but Matthias needs me. He’s been a bit more vocal since the baby was born and he’s been reasonable. I think Justice might have lost a bit of himself to Matthias. It makes me wonder…will my son be a champion of justice. Only time will tell.

Matthias is a month old now and we are on a ship bound for Ferelden. I’ve heard King Alistair is a mage sympathizer, he allowed my conscription into the Wardens after all. There’s lots of country to get lost in or we can go to Vigil’s Keep and seek shelter with the Wardens. We haven’t decided really. I have Fenris at my side and Matthias is happy and healthy. It’s all I can ask for. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It took me a while to decide on the baby's name. Matthias is a form of Matthew which is the English form of Matthaios, which was a Greek form of the Hebrew name Mattityahu meaning "gift of YAHWEH". All this information was obtained from a wonderful website of names.


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